Welcome To The Extreme Living Together Test™
Are you dating someone you genuinely like? Do you think you might want to live with them someday? Why not try it now, when stress levels are at an all-time high and your patience has bottomed out? Potentially save yourself years of indecision by finding out how your worst qualities mesh, today.
The Extreme Living Together Test™ is a 14-day program brought to you by COVID-19 (now with a mandatory, indefinite extension) designed to answer common relationship questions like, “are they seriously going to leave their dishes right in front of the dishwasher every time?” and “how many times a day does she cry, on average?”
Early in the program, you can expect increased happiness and a false sense of security. This may include excessive cuddling, easily agreeing on a new show to watch, and making exciting plans for when “this is all over.” It’s important to stick with it through this phase. Do not allow yourself alone time. Instead of just “eating dinner,” make spaghetti and reenact the scene from Lady and the Tramp. If you go for a run, challenge yourselves to hold hands the entire time. And when you wake up in the middle of the night filled with existential dread and panic, try waking them up, too!
The halfway mark is when the Extreme Living Together Test™ really heats up. At this point, you’ll have covered every normal conversation topic — time for the important questions! Like, would they still love you if you developed crippling anxiety and never left the house again (yes), or if all your skin melted off (maybe), or if you magically turned into a bowl of oatmeal (no).
Around day eight, you’ll find yourself engaging in a conversation for several minutes before realizing your partner wasn’t talking to you, they were talking to their friends on Call of Duty. It is the one-hundredth time you’ve done this. It will suddenly dawn on you that they genuinely intend to play Xbox for ⅓ of every day. It wasn’t “just that one time because work was stressful.” This is your life now.
On day nine, when you have your daily meltdown, your partner — who has been working for hours — might suggest that reading the news first thing in the morning makes you weepy and hostile. But they’re wrong. The problem is their breathing. Yes — as you settle into week two, prepare to be annoyed by your S/O’s breathing. It’ll be like nothing you’ve ever heard before. Gently suggest that if they care about you, they’ll cut back for a while.
Towards the end of the second week, your partner's relentless positivity will threaten to break you. They’ll senselessly interrupt your despair spirals with baked goods and reminders that “this is a great time to finish your book.” At this point, you should have had no fewer than 17 arguments at the end of which you realize you were passionately arguing for the same side.
The final night of the Extreme Living Together Test™ is the toughest. Through off-hand conversation, you’ll reveal that you aren’t totally sure where Hawaii is on a map. Your lack of basic geographic knowledge will shake your partner to their core. You have now entered the final stage. It’s time for each of you to list the other person’s shortcomings. Dig deep here. Remember that girl who liked their picture on Instagram just before you started dating? Of course you do. From small issues to fundamental character flaws, leave nothing unsaid. This is your opportunity to share what you’ve learned during the ELTT.™
With everything on the table, tension should level out again. If you’re still together and your living space is intact, you’ve survived the Extreme Living Together Test.™ Co-habitating under non-apocalyptic circumstances should be a breeze.
The reward? You get to do it all again! Next time you’re daydreaming about FaceTiming from far away, remember: distance makes the heart grow fonder, but a 500 square foot apartment reveals the truth.
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